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.... learn to breathe again by ~strangled-utopia:iconstrangled-utopia:

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©2008-2009 ~strangled-utopia
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Submitted: April 14, 2008
File Size: 1.6 MB
Image Size: 2.5 MB
Resolution: 900×675
Comments: 5
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You'll never get anywhere if all you breathe is corrupted air. All that'll happen is you'll die.
Breathe the clean air again, and your life will be so much clearer.

* learn to breathe again


we're taking each step one day at a time
you can't loose your spirit
let live and let live forget and forgive
it's all how you see it
and just remember keep it together
don't you know you're never alone

'cause when you're in your darkest hour
and all of the light just fades away
when you're like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of grey
well hang on, and be strong.

-- Delta Goodrem

-----

about this image;;
I have been going through a very hard time lately, with all the crap that has been going on with my family and a bunch of stuff that I've been having issues with in school.
Last week I has five tests at school. Yes, five, and multiple tests in one day often as well. Come this weekend, I just wanted to relax and forget about studying and things, even if just for a bit. Of course, knowing my luck, there's no way that could ever happen. So what do I end up with? EIGHT. ASSIGNMENTS. Including an essay (in the form of an epic poem!) and two article summaries, a translation, and other things I'd rather not have to do.
All weekend I have been working on this stuff. None of it - and I mean none of it - gets finished. I know I'm not really a school person, and that it doesn't really tend to matter to me whether or not I actually do my homework, but this time, it really does. (Long story.)
Last night I was having a minor panic attack. This was a very conveniently timed one xP because I happened to be getting ready to take a bath - something I love, and haven't been able to do for two weeks. However, and here is where my luck begins to take a turn, the water was too very much scalding hot, to the point where even just putting my hand in the water was extremely painful. Now hot water in and of itself is not any different, because I love sitting in hot water (until it starts to get too muggy, at which point I drain and refill the tub with very cold water. Yes, I am indecisive even in my preferred water temperature). But this was hotter than normal xD
At this point, I still have my laptop with me, and also at this point, I receive an IM from my friend Angela.
Now Angela is one of my closest friends ever, in either world, real life and online. Even though it's around midnight, Angela lives in Arizona, so she's not so hard-pressed for time as I am xD
I can't give the details of the conversation that followed - but know that even though she knows more of my life than she ought to, I basically confessed everything to her that night. She listened and guided me as I ranted and freaked about all the assignments I had to finish, and the to-do list that was 26 items long and growing stronger. She listened as I re-confessed a lot of the crap that I've had to endure, from an endless array of sources, moreso than most people do, even those in the same situation.
We talked for two hours. That's not a feat in and of itself - I've talked to people for six hours straight before - but it was more the content of those two hours. I have never been able to just rant straight out and talk and confess all my problems and my inability to deal with them just for myself before.
It's not that I don't mind being the Friendly Neighborhood Psychologist.
It's just that I've never just confessed everything like that before without the context of helping someone else as they confess to me.
But you know what? I think I needed that. I think I needed to be able to do that.
Angela left me at two in the morning, my time. She actually has a concept of 'time to go to sleep,' a mental division I seem to be lacking. But before she left, she gave me five songs.
While I love all of the songs more than I can say, it was two of them that really inspired me to create this piece.
After I was alone again, I bothered my other friend, Manu, (who lives very, very, very far away and is therefore often the subject of my insanity when it's the middle of the night xD) to distract me. I didn't want to write the epic poem! I didn't want to do anything! And not just that I didn't want to, I physically and mentally couldn't. Literally.
Of course, Manu decided that it would be a good idea to abandon me and force me to do my work. Well, that's probably not what was going through her head, but that's my story and I'm sticking with it xD
Anyway, I didn't start anything until three thirty or so.
But once I got past the start....
Well, it wasn't easy.... but it was easier.

Needless to say, I did not finish anything. It was not until after five in the morning that I went to sleep.
A little over an hour later, I am being woken up by my father. I ignore him.
Several times, in fact.
I don't know what really pushed me to do it, but somehow last night I had come to the unspoken realisation that I would not be going to school today. So after a while, I got pushed over the edge.
I am prone to panic attacks, actually. Minor ones, though. The ones where your chest gets all tight and painful and your breathing goes a little freaky.... but I've only ever had one serious panic attack.
This one surpassed it by a mile.
It started as real, true panicking. It started with breathing weird and watery eyes and a little chest tightening - no pain, though. But then the more people tried to reason with me, the worse it got. My mother made the comment that she'll have to dry-clean my comforter because I was breathing so quickly and heavily into it, trying to stifle it and stop the hyperventilating. Tears streamed down my face - I wasn't bawling, and my vision wasn't affected, but the fact that I cried at all was the clincher.
I do not cry. I have not cried in three years - probably more - any more than watery eyes or a single tear rolling down my cheek. I am such a stoic person that sometimes I think that I don't even know how to cry. I get this comment from people a lot: 'How could you possibly NOT be moved by that scene, Amanda!?' 'Hell, you just broke a bone; why aren't you crying?'
Yeah. So I haven't cried in years. I think that was the most painful part.
My eyes looked like this -----> [link]
Yeah, I know, intense, isn't it?
Anyway, but after everybody left, the surprising part was that it only took me all of two seconds to calm down. I kid you not. Two seconds. Two breaths.
Was it all my stoicism taking back over? Was it that the whole thing was just an act? Both? Neither?
I don't know, or care, really.

Anyway, I'm mostly done with everything now. I took a thirty minute break and scrapped this together. I think it really emphasises what's been going on with me lately. I have gone through hell, all my life, and more recently. Maybe not hell the way you see it, but it's hell when you're in it. But every so often, you just have to take a step back, and learn how to breath all the clean air again.

You'll never get anywhere if all you breathe is corrupted air. All that'll happen is you'll die.
Breathe the clean air again, and your life will be so much clearer.

-----

;; technical stuff

i've never really blended backgrounds before, so that's why it's not too awesome.

the wonky colours are on purpose.

~Emo-Kiddo-Stock - =Fune-Stock - ~lillyfly06-stock - ~The-strawberry-tree - *Iardacil-stock

Manipulation and concept (C) 2008 by [link]
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Comments


~The-strawberry-tree:iconThe-strawberry-tree: Apr 15, 2008, 1:11:17 AM
This is lovely especially the colours! Thankyou for using my stock!
~strangled-utopia:iconstrangled-utopia: Apr 15, 2008, 10:03:01 AM
I'm glad you liked it! And it was no problem [:

--
IW PHOTOGRAPHY.
those who don't believe in magic will never find it.
~Emo-Kiddo-Stock:iconEmo-Kiddo-Stock: Apr 16, 2008, 7:18:06 AM
simply amazing :heart:

thank you for using my stock:hug:

--
Hold your head up gorgeous, because there are people who would KILL to see you fall!
~strangled-utopia:iconstrangled-utopia: Apr 16, 2008, 3:50:53 PM
Thank you so much [: I'm glad you like it! And it was no problem [:

--
IW PHOTOGRAPHY.
those who don't believe in magic will never find it.
*Iardacil-stock:iconIardacil-stock: Jun 9, 2008, 12:34:14 AM
beautiful

--
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams...
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